Friday, March 6, 2009
Kids and Disneyland
We are about one week from Disneyland, this should be great fun! G has never been, and I has not been in several years. That and my dear sweetie deserves a vacation.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Venting Stepmom...
Dear Our Boy's Bio-mom -
I appreciate that you want to do what's best for our boy in light of his educational needs as identified by the psych-ed assessment. We are fully committed to helping our boy with his educational needs, including having bought him a laptop and printer, being involved in the Individual Education Plan proccesses, and becoming informed about what his learning disability means. We are committed to assisting him meeting his educational goals and appropriately helping him with his school work.
However, I have come to the realization that regardless of being more than fair in the circumstances it might never be enough for you. Bio-dad doesn't have access to any health benefits for our boy through his work. If our boy lived with us at least half-time, then I could and would be able to access the benefits through my employment and that would cover $500 of the cost of future psych-ed assessments - but then you would have to give up most, if not all of the child support you receive. Bio-dad has offered to pay for half of the out of pocket expense of the psych-ed assessment and has written you a cheque for $750. I understand that according to you, you have $400 of benefits through your employer paid extended health coverage and you will be able to claim as a tax deduction the $1600 net cost of the psych-ed assessment. Bio-dad has also paid fully for the cost of the laptop. Bio-dad has gone more than half-way on this. I also understand that you are now expecting Bio-dad to start contributing to our boy's tuition to private school. You have gone too far in these circumstances.
I understand that the decision to send our boy to a private school was yours and yours alone. There's nothing that has changed with respect to that and there's also no reason to believe that our boy's needs would not be met in a local public school (there are some really good public schools in Victoria), and in fact there may be schools that are either public or private that may better meet his needs. For example, I understand that the cost of psych-ed assessments would fall upon the school district if our boy was enrolled in a public school. I also understand that the need for psych-ed assessments is likely to reccur every 3 years. I further understand, that as the private school has a policy that specifically excludes them from paying for psych-ed assessments and apparently many of the other assistive technologies (including a laptop and software) that our boy may need to accommodate his learning disability and special talents.
Furthermore, financially we are not in a position to contribute to this cost without significant risk to being able to meet our other financial obligations. Bio-dad already has significant demands on his income, including paying the 1 child rate for child support twice, once for our boy and once for our girl. This means that $1500 or more of after tax dollars (neither you nor bio-mom 2 have to pay tax on childsupport) are gone before anything else. Add to that Bio Dad's cost of access for our girl in Vancouver, at about $200 per month. Then add to that half of the rent (owning is presently a distant goal for us) at $1100 (you would be hard pressed to find rental accommodation in Victoria for a four-bedroom house that is in close proximity/ or other wise to our boy for less). Then add to that $500 in automobile expenses. Then there's $300 per month in professional fees. Bio-dad still has another $200 per month in student loan payments that must be made. This is all before one utility bill is paid, or one meal is bought, or one outfit for either of the kids is bought. Bio-dad also has no retirement savings or corporate pension plan. Bio-dad's income is highly variable, there are months when in order to meet child-support obligations he must occasionally borrow money from me. If you consider that our household also does not get any of the child related tax benefits, and assume that our households earn relatively equal amounts, with the child related transportation and support payments alone, there is more than $30,000 difference in net available income.
Bio-dad works as hard to meet his obligations to his family as our boy does to meet the expectations of his teacher's and parents. It's exceedingly frustrating to work that hard and seem as though you cannot get ahead. That frustration is compounded when you seem to think that you're entitled to more than what is fair and try to tell Bio-dad that he is not doing the 'right thing' by not contributing financially to our boy's private school tuition. Bio-dad's done the right thing. He's a dedicated dad to our boy and our girl and he has consistently put the financial obligations of his children ahead of all other financial obligations to the point of putting himself at a significant disadvantage to either Bio-mom's household (you're both re-married professionals).
I have enjoyed how cooperative all parents (the 3 bio-parents and the 3 step-parents) have been when it comes to parenting our boy and our girl. I enjoy being a step-parent to our boy and our girl and I am looking forward to watching them grow into responsible adults. As Bio-dad's spouse, I try to support him in whatever ways he needs, and that has included taking a backseat to whatever conflicts that arise but I am left with a overwhelming sense of unfairness in this situation. Bio-dad, did not choose the circumstances or timing with which he became a father and after having that choice taken away from him twice he chose a vasectomy. I now choose to be with bio-dad and his children and with that I choose to face a greatly diminished chance of ever being a mom myself. We live by the choices we make for ourselves and the choices made by others. Only the choices that we make for ourselves, are the choices for which we can derive satisfaction.
It's time for the bio-moms, who have a significant household income advantage to our household (I try not to think about this too much), to quit treating bio-dad like he's nothing more than a genetic material donor and a bank-account. It's time to choose to be thankful that he works as hard as he does and does what he can for his children.
Signed -
Stepmom
I appreciate that you want to do what's best for our boy in light of his educational needs as identified by the psych-ed assessment. We are fully committed to helping our boy with his educational needs, including having bought him a laptop and printer, being involved in the Individual Education Plan proccesses, and becoming informed about what his learning disability means. We are committed to assisting him meeting his educational goals and appropriately helping him with his school work.
However, I have come to the realization that regardless of being more than fair in the circumstances it might never be enough for you. Bio-dad doesn't have access to any health benefits for our boy through his work. If our boy lived with us at least half-time, then I could and would be able to access the benefits through my employment and that would cover $500 of the cost of future psych-ed assessments - but then you would have to give up most, if not all of the child support you receive. Bio-dad has offered to pay for half of the out of pocket expense of the psych-ed assessment and has written you a cheque for $750. I understand that according to you, you have $400 of benefits through your employer paid extended health coverage and you will be able to claim as a tax deduction the $1600 net cost of the psych-ed assessment. Bio-dad has also paid fully for the cost of the laptop. Bio-dad has gone more than half-way on this. I also understand that you are now expecting Bio-dad to start contributing to our boy's tuition to private school. You have gone too far in these circumstances.
I understand that the decision to send our boy to a private school was yours and yours alone. There's nothing that has changed with respect to that and there's also no reason to believe that our boy's needs would not be met in a local public school (there are some really good public schools in Victoria), and in fact there may be schools that are either public or private that may better meet his needs. For example, I understand that the cost of psych-ed assessments would fall upon the school district if our boy was enrolled in a public school. I also understand that the need for psych-ed assessments is likely to reccur every 3 years. I further understand, that as the private school has a policy that specifically excludes them from paying for psych-ed assessments and apparently many of the other assistive technologies (including a laptop and software) that our boy may need to accommodate his learning disability and special talents.
Furthermore, financially we are not in a position to contribute to this cost without significant risk to being able to meet our other financial obligations. Bio-dad already has significant demands on his income, including paying the 1 child rate for child support twice, once for our boy and once for our girl. This means that $1500 or more of after tax dollars (neither you nor bio-mom 2 have to pay tax on childsupport) are gone before anything else. Add to that Bio Dad's cost of access for our girl in Vancouver, at about $200 per month. Then add to that half of the rent (owning is presently a distant goal for us) at $1100 (you would be hard pressed to find rental accommodation in Victoria for a four-bedroom house that is in close proximity/ or other wise to our boy for less). Then add to that $500 in automobile expenses. Then there's $300 per month in professional fees. Bio-dad still has another $200 per month in student loan payments that must be made. This is all before one utility bill is paid, or one meal is bought, or one outfit for either of the kids is bought. Bio-dad also has no retirement savings or corporate pension plan. Bio-dad's income is highly variable, there are months when in order to meet child-support obligations he must occasionally borrow money from me. If you consider that our household also does not get any of the child related tax benefits, and assume that our households earn relatively equal amounts, with the child related transportation and support payments alone, there is more than $30,000 difference in net available income.
Bio-dad works as hard to meet his obligations to his family as our boy does to meet the expectations of his teacher's and parents. It's exceedingly frustrating to work that hard and seem as though you cannot get ahead. That frustration is compounded when you seem to think that you're entitled to more than what is fair and try to tell Bio-dad that he is not doing the 'right thing' by not contributing financially to our boy's private school tuition. Bio-dad's done the right thing. He's a dedicated dad to our boy and our girl and he has consistently put the financial obligations of his children ahead of all other financial obligations to the point of putting himself at a significant disadvantage to either Bio-mom's household (you're both re-married professionals).
I have enjoyed how cooperative all parents (the 3 bio-parents and the 3 step-parents) have been when it comes to parenting our boy and our girl. I enjoy being a step-parent to our boy and our girl and I am looking forward to watching them grow into responsible adults. As Bio-dad's spouse, I try to support him in whatever ways he needs, and that has included taking a backseat to whatever conflicts that arise but I am left with a overwhelming sense of unfairness in this situation. Bio-dad, did not choose the circumstances or timing with which he became a father and after having that choice taken away from him twice he chose a vasectomy. I now choose to be with bio-dad and his children and with that I choose to face a greatly diminished chance of ever being a mom myself. We live by the choices we make for ourselves and the choices made by others. Only the choices that we make for ourselves, are the choices for which we can derive satisfaction.
It's time for the bio-moms, who have a significant household income advantage to our household (I try not to think about this too much), to quit treating bio-dad like he's nothing more than a genetic material donor and a bank-account. It's time to choose to be thankful that he works as hard as he does and does what he can for his children.
Signed -
Stepmom
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